


hate u love u

by moonlightrenjun



Category: NINE PERCENT (Band), 偶像练习生 | Idol Producer (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Angst, Love Triangles, M/M, Realizations, Unrequited Love, angsty ouch, based off hate u love u, do i see a cai xukun in the second chapter? hmm, linong's pov!!, putting linong through pain hurts IM SORRY
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-11
Updated: 2018-08-20
Packaged: 2019-06-08 22:28:44
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 6,926
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15253440
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/moonlightrenjun/pseuds/moonlightrenjun
Summary: he'll never be yanjun's zhangjing, no matter how hard he tries.yanjun's eyes shine, but not because of linong.





	1. All alone, I watch you watch him, like he's the only boy you've ever seen.

**Author's Note:**

> this is based off the original hate u love u;; go listen to it!!! it's so beautiful, and the lyrics,, just,, wow;; the original is gorgeous and her voice sounds beautiful in this song ahhhhh
> 
>  
> 
> [hate u love u by olivia o'brien](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4rpShILrsWE)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is based off the original hate u love u;; go listen to it!!! it's so beautiful, and the lyrics,, just,, wow;; the original is gorgeous and her voice sounds beautiful in this song ahhhhh
> 
>  
> 
> [hate u love u by olivia o'brien](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4rpShILrsWE)

 

chen linong can see the love in yanjun’s eyes when he stares at them. he can see the way they glow, shining brightly for everyone to see. he can see the dimples, eagerly waiting to sprout a joke from yanjun’s cheeks.

 

but it’s never for him.

 

those glances, those pick-up lines are reserved for you zhangjing, linong’s other friend who doesn’t know how _lucky_ he is to have yanjun as a boyfriend. sometimes linong wishes he could take a picture of yanjun in those euphoric moments, something to hold onto later. he would be lying if he said it didn’t hurt.

 

because everytime yanjun talks to him, it’s all about _how zhangjing is doing_ and _what zhangjing likes to do._ whenever they fight, yanjun comes to him, cursing zhangjing out and promising never to talk to him again. he knows how yanjun and zhangjing’s story works; yanjun says something stupid, zhangjing says something stupid too, they get angry, and linong plays the messenger, scampering between them. linong can do nothing to stop the line of events from happening again. yanjun refuses to talk about it with him after, and zhangjing doesn’t think they need help.

 

all linong can do when yanjun comes is rub his back patiently, muttering soothing words and bringing him tea, with a dash of milk and two sugar cubes, just how he likes it. yanjun falls asleep on his couch and linong knows, without a doubt, that the couch will be empty the next day when linong wakes up, with a text message from yanjun stating that him and zhangjing are back together, complete with some kind of happy emoji.

 

linong won’t respond, pretending like he never saw the text because how does one tell their best friend they’re in love with them...especially if they’re so clearly in love with someone else?

 

linong can feel more wounds cutting him deeper every time he hangs out with them, their laughter and smiles overlooking linong’s storm. he tries to on a good facade, his face brimming with a smile, no matter what he’s thinking. whenever linong hangs out with one, they’re always talking about the other, which makes linong want to collapse. he wants to scream _enough,_ and get up and leave this wretched place, forgetting all about the love triangle that really isn’t a love triangle.

 

it’s more of a line with a point desperately trying to be part of the line.

 

linong can see himself slipping away as the days change, autumn leaves falling off and soon growing back. it’s that spring that yanjun gives zhangjing a promise ring, and it’s that spring that flips linong’s world upside down.

 

linong’s done this routine plenty of times to know what’s up the moment he steps into his own apartment. he knows what an open door, empty beer bottles, and sobbing coming from the bathroom means.

 

linong has an urge to just walk away, to leave yanjun alone because linong _can’t_ keep doing this. it’s hurting him. with everytime yanjun flocks to him like a moth to a light, linong’s heart falls a bit. everytime yanjun comes to him, linong is reminded of how _little_ yanjun must think of him, to be able to just barge in and not explain himself. he is so weak, letting yanjun come into his apartment and wreck him.

 

looking at the messages on his phone, which indicate that zhangjing is already sorry and linong doesn’t have any more cellular data for the rest of the month, linong fills a glass of water, his hands shaking as the glass fills up, just like all the other times. he’s unsure of why his hands shake, but they shake to no end when yanjun’s upset like this, and only calm down the next morning, after yanjun leaves and makes up with zhangjing.

 

linong’s tried doing homework once, after yanjun fell asleep, but his hands were shaking so much, he couldn’t even write his name without wanting to throw the paper across the room.

 

in the time it takes to fill the glass, linong considers what might have happened. did zhangjing plead with yanjun not to walk out? did they go to a bar and then stumble home, drunk, and argue? did they sit in silence after arguing before yanjun finally stormed out? or, did zhangjing storm out first?

 

linong has questions, but he knows they’ll never be answered.

 

knocking on the bathroom door, he hears the quiet sobs end and yanjun standing in front of him after the door open, his face in anguish, and buried in a towel. “nong nong, i can't do this anymore!” he cries, falling forward into linong’s arms right outside the bathroom unable to move forward by himself.

 

linong’s heart would flutter from the nickname if this wasn’t such a terrible situation. "do you want to talk about it?” asks linong, already knowing the response.

 

but to his utter surprise, yanjun nods his head, putting his head in linong’s lap, causing linong’s heartbeat to go up, up and away.

 

the moonlight shining through the window hits directly on yanjun’s face, creating a shining angellic effect. the darkness just about fades away, and linong swears he can see yanjun’s face so clearly. every crevice, every small detail that linong hasn’t seen before. linong listens to yanjun patiently, nodding at parts and brushing his hair, all while a voice inside his head goes _'this is your chance, kiss him!’_

 

linong can’t do that.

 

he can’t do that to zhangjing, the poor boy who he knows would doubt himself if yanjun went out with linong immediately after dumping zhangjing; he can’t do that yanjun who’s in a confused state and would be even more distressed if they kissed.

 

“-and i just don’t think we’ll ever fit together.” yanjun finishes to which linong takes a minute to evaluate. 

 

“i mean…you guys have always worked! maybe you just need...like some counseling or something?” says linong, trying to make this the last time yanjun comes over.

 

it has to be the last time. for his own sanity.

 

sitting up abruptly, yanjun looks straight at linong, who doesn't even register the words coming out of yanjun's mouth before he watches yanjun do something crazy.

 

he watches with both eyes open as yanjun kisses him.

 

but linong can’t enjoy it because this is _all wrong._ all he can think of is the fact that yanjun kissed zhangjing _less than twenty-four hours ago_ and _the look of horro_ _r_ on zhangjing’s face when he finds out what happened and how this all of this was _too soon_ and that yanjun _isn’t even_ sober!

 

“stop!” he mutters, pushing himself away from yanjun, who’s breathing heavily, his eyes wide open, cheeks blushing deep red. if they were in any other situation, linong would take the time to see how hot yanjun looks right now. “you’re right, i need to ask you out first, i mean, no one puts out before the first date.” winks yanjun and linong stiffles a scream.

 

“don’t you get it?” he desperately says. “i’m just a rebound to you, lin yanjun.”

 

yanjun’s eyes widen as he attempts to better the situation “you’re not! fuck, here i’ll ask you out tomorrow and-” rambles yanjun on and on and on, but linong’s already made his choice.

 

“i’m. a. rebound.” pressing his finger into yanjun’s chest, linong is disgusted he himself let it get this far. yanjun falls silent, waiting for linong to go on.

 

“i’ll never be zhangjing to you, yanjun. i’m not good for you.”

 

“i don't need a zhangjing. i need you.”

 

linong wants to believe him, he wants to laugh and smile and say “okay”, but he knows that that’s not the truth.

 

it’s never been the truth.

 

sure, yanjun needs linong when he’s sad, but what about those times when he’s happy? yanjun never calls up linong. he calls up zhangjing. and when linong’s sad? he never even considers calling up yanjun. he curls into his own small ball, suffering by himself.

 

“really, seriously, i love you.” says yanjun stretching his arms and waiting for linong to just walk right into his arms.

 

but all linong does is laugh bitterly.

 

“you love me like a best friend yanjun. and even though i-” his voice cracks as tears stream down his face. clearing his throat he continues on, needing to finish. “even though i have always loved you, yanjun, you don’t love me-not like you love zhangjing and i’m not going to be a shitty rebound just cause you can’t figure out your own feelings. you can’t fucking use me to figure out your own feelings.”

 

yanjun gapes at him, “you loved me?” as linong realizes what had just came out of his own mouth.

 

“which is why this needs to stop. i can't watch you everytime you 'break’ up with zhangjing. have you ever thought about i feel?”

 

silence.

 

linong knew this all along, and yet he let it go this far. yanjun never cared about how linong felt, he only cared about having someone to step on when things didn’t go well between zhangjing and him.

 

“delete my phone number and get out. we can’t be friends anymore yanjun.”

 

yanjun starts to protest but linong’s made his decision and he's sticking to it.

 

“i can't continue on this path yanjun, do you see how much it’s hurting me? you need to get off your high horse and leave. this isn’t healthy for either of us. fix your shit with zhangjing, and leave me alone. i need to figure out what makes me happy.”

 

“it was really nice being friends with you, i guess,” croaks yanjun, his voice sore as if he’d been screaming for the past hour, his eyes avoiding linong's eyes.

 

“thanks for all of it. thanks for freshman year.” linong smiles, because freshman year of college was before all of this started. it was when yanjun, zhangjing and him were all friends.

 

linong hugs him as he leaves, letting out a small “goodbye”, hoping and knowing that this will be the last time he sees him.

 

the door finally closes and linong is motionless by the door, sliding down, his mind flashing with memories of lin yanjun.

 

there was that day, when yanjun promised linong that some day, in the far future, they’d go on a road trip.

 

there was that month, where yanjun didn’t sleep in fear of exams until linong dragged and then tapped him to his bed.

 

and then there was freshman year, full of happiness. linong looked forward to everyday, to seeing yanjun and zhangjing, and having fun, goofing off, shoving each other into the fountain next to school. he looked forward to whatever new restaurant they’d try, yanjun complaining that this would never be as good as the last and soon falling in love with the food, linong eager to try, pouting when there was slow service, and zhangjing attempting to calm them down. he remembers that golden summer after freshman year, where he spent his time at yanjun’s house, getting popsicles and pleading with yanjun’s mom to let them take her car out, cruising down the street until they got to a mall, where they’d people watch, making up silly stories about the people walking past.

 

but then there was the bad.

 

linong’s face falling and then attempting to recover as he saw them holding hands. zhangjing texting him right after their first kiss, and linong, with tears on his face, unable to write anything but a “great!” before falling back on his bed, telling himself to breathe in, breathe out. 

 

he always knew they'd fall apart.

 

he just didn’t imagine it to happen so soon.

 

he thought it would take a couple more years, a couple more moments of happiness before everything had to fade away. in his mind, he had imagined getting the old yanjun back, the one that didn’t have so many worries, the one linong actually talked to.

 

in his mind, he even envisioned, a few years down the road, of getting together with yanjun. in his mind, yanjun and zhangjing had parted peacefully, and yanjun had asked out linong after a few months of sorrow.

 

but that was just an empty dream.

 

linong knows that he needs to forget everything about them, all the feelings he has had towards them. linong needs to forget.

 

slipping on his jacket, he heads to a club, hoping to meet some new friends, brushing the tears off his swollen face. he knows there’s no way he looks like he didn’t cry for the last hour, but at least the club’s lighting will darken some of his face. that won’t be enough, but linong reckons that that’ll be enough to make some new friends.

 

new friends that care about him.

 

 

 

 

✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:* 　　 *:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧

  
  
**3 years later.**

  
✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:* 　　 *:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧

 

 kindly join us

for the wedding of

you zhangjing

and

lin yanjun

 

| monday |

| june twenty-third |

| twenty eighteen |

 

the water fountain

between peach

and nutmeg street

 

~a magical night~ 

awaits chen llinong

 

(nong nong, we miss you)

 

 


	2. you love him, you need him, and i'll never be him.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> linong can't seem to forget...even after three years and a cai xukun by his side.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i would suggest just skimming through the first chapter before you read this, because it's been quite a while since i published the first chapter!
> 
> thank you for reading, and sorry for the long wait! to make up for it, here's about 4k words of angst!

 

linong crumples the paper up, his fist tightening with pressure, turning his knuckles white. the paper is delicate, a warm color between white and beige with ribbons that fall to the side and the more he looks at the paper, the more the memories come back, overwhelming him, drowning him. the words on the card seem to float in front of his face, and they seem to be almost _mocking_ him.

 

he tries to rip the card, but it won’t fall apart.

 

he can already see the preparation for the wedding in his mind. the designs overflowing a simplistic table, with zhangjing stressing over details and yanjun trying to calm him down.

 

linong’s lip juts out of the thought of an alternate universe.

in that alternate universe where linong is still friends with them, they had chosen linong as best man.

in that alternate universe where he and yanjun had never kissed, linong had gotten to help them plan out the whole wedding.

in that alternate universe where he had never tossed yanjun out of his apartment at three a.m., linong had gotten to make the first toast.

 

in that alternative universe, linong wouldn’t be so broken, so useless to those around him.

 

but here he is, in this universe, throwing paper like a little kid, with crying tantrums to match.

 

slumping himself into the chair, he lets a shadow slide into the seat next to him. “there’s no way you’re going.” says cai xukun, who has been glaring at the paper since he read it, as if glaring will stop linong from going.

 

but linong can’t help but imagine what it would be like to see them again, with the possibility of _talking_ to them lingering in the air. the possibility of making amends that makes linong hopeful.

 

“i’m just considering my options.” linong says stubbornly, not fond of being controlled, but xukun persists on. “nongnong, you can’t possibly be thinking of going….i mean-that guy wrecked you! if anything, i should just to go to punch him.”

 

“like you’d punch him,” linong snorts, but the questions that lay restless in his heart are swirling in his mind. he can feel himself almost explode, like a ticking time bomb. linong doesn’t know what he wants or why he wants to go, but those answers can’t be answered with xukun by his side; linong needs to sit by himself and sort his through his thoughts.

 

he needs to be alone.

 

“you should leave, kun.” linong says this curtly, knowing that if he looks up, he’ll fall into pieces under the watchful eyes of xukun. today is not a good day for linong, who wants the world disappear, leaving only the people who care for him.

 

for the people who aren’t disappointed by him.

 

”Are you sure you don’t-?”

 

“yeah.” linong stares blankly ahead, and linong can almost see the thoughts in xukun’s brain tinkering, trying to figure out what linong actually wants.

 

“uh...okay i guess” xukun surprisingly walks out of the door, muttering reassuring words, leaving behind a confused linong, who never expected xukun to walk away so easily.

 

xukun has always been so caring and kind, and yet all linong does is push xukun away.

 

but then again. what is cai xukun to linong?

 

for the past four years, linong hasn’t figured out what xukun is to him. xukun is an anomaly to him; something he doesn’t know how to solve.

 

and sure, they’ve known each other for quite a while now, but linong can’t seem to figure out what xukun means to him.

 

it’s been three years since linong wrote and sang the award-winning _你還要我怎樣_ ; two years since cai xukun rapped and produced the ground-breaking _sheep_ ; and one year since _爱你，爱我_ , their collective album came out.

 

throughout the three years, xukun has been an angel to linong, who can’t seem to find himself, no matter how hard he tries. the walls that trap in his mind have gotten thicker, and yet, xukun can get past it. if linong got a dollar for everytime xukun offered to help him in someway, he’d be a millionaire.

 

but the worse part?

 

linong is confused at what they are.

 

they stay over at each other’s apartments all the time, leaving hand and hand, letting the media dub them “nongkun”. linong likes the sound of the ship, and (accidentally) added fire to the flames, mentioning their ship in that one interview from a year ago, the one that linong still won’t read _to this day_ , because of how he described their relationship.

 

they neither add or distract from the rumors.

 

they attend award concerts together, but always avoid the greedy eyes of the interviewers, choosing to go on the red carpet for pictures and talk to the interviewers separately. every time they leave each other for interviews, linong feels like he’s saying goodbye forever, as if xukun won’t come back to him after the interviews, as if xukun will immediately become someone else after the interviews.

 

the media has dubbed them an on-and-off relationship. all they can see in their greedy eyes are the times linong storms out and xukun running after.

 

if anything, it’s just linong being off.

 

it’s just linong with his nightmares and xukun being so damn helpful.

 

he _really_ doesn't know what they are.

 

xukun’s so good to linong, he’s so good _for_ linong; he makes his days better, making food for the latter and even helping linong with everything from laundry to lyrics when linong isn’t feeling great.

 

xukun knows linong better than anyone else knows him; he knows things that linong won't even admit to.

 

even while interviewing, xukun manages to save the day.

 

linong dislikes interviews and the uncertainty that comes along with them. he never knows what might be asked next, and frankly, that frightens him. he especially hates the number one question that appears; _“who are you writing about?”_

the first time he heard that question, linong was unnerved, unable to answer, his mouth glued shut. the room seemed to grow smaller that day, the interviewers eyes glued to his own, looking like he could see into linong’s mind. but of course, xukun, who could see a disaster before it happened, casually patted linong's knee and replied simply that they wrote about "past loves".  
  
that move wasn't unnoticed on the web however, with the trending article on weibo the next day being on "the relationship of chen linong and cai xukun".

  
  
before the wedding card was sent, linong was trying so damn hard to forget it all.

 

for a few months before the card was sent, linong had even possibly forgotten about yanjun. he hadn't spent his nights tossing and turning, wondering where yanjun was and if he was happy. he spent his days, happily wandering around the city of beijing with xukun; letting xukun drag him to his favorite places. the old linong seemed to be back, breaking out into laughter throughout the trip, taking so many pictures that xukun had even started to get impatient, and smiling so much that every single fan picture from those days had him smiling in it.

  
but this card had ruined it all.  
  
at first he thought it would be a wedding card for some couple who wanted him to sing (which was strange considering he sang sad love songs). he had just set it aside, causing xukun to open it when he walked into linong's apartment.  
  
linong picks up the card now, his hand trembling at the delicate printing and the note scrawled at the end.

 

it's in this second he realized nothing has changed.  
  
because no matters what happen, no matter how dearly he is trying to forget, how much je wants to hate yanjun,  linong will always drop anything and go to yanjun.  
  
picking up the phone, linong forces himself to dial xukun’s number.

 

pathetic- it hasn’t even been twenty minutes, and nongnong already needs kunkun.

  
"i want to go to the wedding."  
  
"you're not going to get closure."  
  
"i didn't finish. i want you to come with me."

 

a frustrated phone call later, linong wants to throw his phone across the wall. he had never heard xukun sound so angry...or so _harsh._

 

_but all relationships have fights, right?_ he tries to reassure himself, much to his dismay. he can already picture boxes sitting outside his apartment, things he had left at xukun’s randomly over the years. he can see xukun’s stare across the room at the various music events. the awkward moments when people ask him about xukun, and the internet, theories galore on what happened

 

_just like that, linong has lost someone else._

 

there’s a small voice in his mind telling him that it'll be alright, that xukun won't leave after everything, not after all they've gone through.

 

but a much bigger voice telling him the opposite.

 

seeking advice, linong goes to the one place he never expected to go back to: college.

linong hasn’t been back to the fountain in years. he hasn’t seen the pristine water, shining under the mermaids’ watch. taking a seat by the water fountain, he sits and collects his thoughts, just like he did back when he went to this college. he watches the kids skate by, looking hurried, carrying enormous backpacks. no one takes a second glance at him; no one says “hey, is that chen linong?” and linong is surprised how relaxed he is.

it’s odd; so much has changed, and yet this fountain remains the same. the fountain has the same eerie magical vibe, and being transported back here makes linong want to break out his college sweaters and school supplies.

 

but linong didn’t come here to reminisce; he came to find answers.

 

_is it a good idea to go to the wedding?_

 

“hey.” says a person softly by linong which, he thinks is answer enough to his thoughts. his heart starting to beat—hard—because _fuck, its yanjun._

after three years, he still looks the same as three years ago. he still has those dimples that look unreal (at least to linong), those eyes that sparkle, and that voice, smooth like silk.

 

“how have you been? can i get a hug?” says yanjun now; linong still unresponsive, only stands to face him. yanjun holds his arms out, waiting for the hug to arrive.

but linong flinches by his movements, and yanjun drops his arms, looking sadly at the other. “did you get the card we sent you? we would really lo-”

“-so you told him? about the kiss?” linong asks, soon turning a deep red, realizing how incredibly blantant that was.

“i did. he still wants you to come.” yanjun squirms uncomfortably, obviously unsure of how to approach a man who won’t meet his eyes, while linong is busy trying not to break down.

“linong, can’t we get over this? it was just a kiss.”

 

“you ruined me yanjun.” that single sentence sets linong off, his mouth filling of words that seem to come out of nowhere, words that linong hasn’t been able to say for the past five years. and while songs might have helped him, they in no way can fix everything that yanjun has done.

 

_just a kiss?_ sure maybe for yanjun, but for linong it was more than that.

 

“do you hear the songs i sing? do you hear the comments i get on my voice? the frequent rumors of depression? my fanbase dedicated to making me smile?” and now it’s yanjun’s turn to step back, arms out defensively.

“i never meant any harm-”

“and that’s all you did.” linong gasps a sob out, his face contorted and swollen by tears.  “cai xukun will give me the world, and yet, i can’t reject or accept him, i’m so damn afraid of loving someone. so don’t you dare say you never meant any harm.”

“fuck, you can’t pin this on me linong, it’s not all my fault, you’re to blame too, running away, not trying to figure things out. we could have fixed things, but you just ran away, like the coward you are. things didn’t go your way and you decided to run away! sometimes, i think you like the misery you carry. so why don’t you go back to your kunkun, huh? go back and write another award winning album whining about no one loving you.” and with that sentence slinks yanjun back to where ever he came from, and linong stupidly hits the water in the fountain, as if that’ll help.

 

but the day has to get worse, doesn’t it?

 

in the time it takes for linong to get home, he receives ten missed calls, and is mentioned hundreds of thousands of times in a video that spreads across the internet, quicker than the time it takes for linong to get home. linong has long forgotten what arguments in public mean to his reputation, so now here he is, sitting in front of his manager who was ready to tear out his own hair (and perhaps, linong’s too).

 

linong stares at the screen in front of him, at the thirty second video trending everywhere he goes. he winces at their words, as if it’s the first time he hears them.

 

but the comments are far worse.

 

they’re are nasty, picking sides like this is some sort of war _._ they pile on top of each other and topple over in his brain. the most liked comment? “i always thought linong was kinda whiny.”

 

every time the video replays linong stares at that comment, and another meaning seems to come through the words of whiny. within minutes, linong has silently called himself an idiot, fool, along with many others.

 

he and his manager sit in silence, waiting for cai xukun to arrive. his manager has long gone forgotten how weird he thought it was originally when they wanted to have their meetings together; these days, he encourages it. finally, cai xukun bursts through the door, and linong lightens up at the sight of him, only to shrink at the person he’s tugging behind him.

 

yanjun saunters in, and with one glance linong can see his lips on linong’s own, that drunk smirk that linong couldn’t help but fall into. all he can see is yanjun’s head in his lap, one final peaceful moment before the storm.

 

linong can see that whole night in all its misery.

 

“so,” his manager gestures to the screen, “fix this.”

 

“i don’t know how to.” linong rubs his face, unsure of how to get himself out of this mess.

 

“even the worst stars can get out of it. for example my past client-” linong tunes out at that, choosing instead to fix the tablecloth.

 

but he tunes back in when his manager slams his hands on the table, throwing a nasty glance towards linong.

 

“idiot, are you even listening?” he hisses at linong who sits, stunned by the harsh words. he has never acted this way, and linong is confused as to what has changed. before, his manager was always sweet, polite and kind towards linong; that’s the whole reason he was hired. but now? these words that spew out of his mouth are the opposite.

 

he say things that linong knows will go straight into his heart and be remembered by his brain, words like _disgrace, nuisance, fool and moron._ and all linong can do there is sit, like the idiot he is, listening to the manager go on and on because linong, in no way expected this to happen.

 

he doesn’t know what to do. at least, at first.

 

but then xukun’s face twists up, like an angry toddler, and linong’s come back to his senses. all of a sudden, xukun has pushed the manager to the ground and his fists are balled, threatening the man on the ground and yanjun is trying to pull them apart, trying to calm xukun down and yelling at both of them to stop because goddammit they’re scaring linong and all linong can do is sit there and take deep breaths in and out, trying to stop his heart from beating fast.

 

yanjun manages to throw the (now ex-) manager out of linong’s home, and with xukun still angry, yanjun sends xukun out to his own apartment before trying to talk to linong (try being the key word).

 

linong scrambles to the chair, before his legs give out from under him. his heart is racing, hurting at the words found on screen. he shuts the screen, telling himself to take a deep breath. yanjun stands to the side uncertain, looking around at the room. “wow, you've certainly upgraded from our ramen days.” he jokes, hoping to lighten the mood, sitting on the chair opposite linong.

 

shifting awkwardly, yanjun opens his mouth, and then closes it, changing his mind mid-way. but then he gains the courage to talk. “so...how do we fix it?” linong groans, and put his face to the desk. “we don’t.” he muffledly says through the desk..

 

“what i don’t-”

 

“we ignore all the rumors, and hope they settle down.”

 

“now you should go. i don’t want to see you again.” he faces the table blindly, refusing to see yanjun’s face.

 

linong doesn’t want to see those memories that he knows will appear if he looks up to yanjun’s face; the ones of freshman year, when linong risked his head, sneaking out of class after attendance to hang out with them. he can still feel the fresh air on his face, the taste of freedom on his tongue, licking the ice cream hidden in the back of the freezer for skipping days. the chocolate melted in his hands.

 

it was beautiful.

 

he fades back into reality, watching as yanjun leaves, his back stressed, shoulders up to his head. the sleeves in his hands are crumpled, getting longer by the second with the pressure he puts on them.

 

the door slams, and once again, linong’s alone….again.

 

moving around doesn’t help. linong tries to go to the grocery store, to get his mind off things; but all that does is attract the questions, the flashing of cameras and the never-ending headlines that get more dramatic as time goes on. linong stays in his apartment the next few days after bad experiences going outside, notebook next to him, piles of papers crumpled around his feet.

 

linong wants to make things better; he wants his emotions to go back to the way they were a few months ago, and he tries so hard to let go of them, but even his usual way of releasing emotions is being frustrating. it’s become accustomed for him to start writing in these moments of fear, and produce hard-hitting songs that breaks their hearts and lifts his own. but this time, the crumpled papers get piled higher, and not a single verse has been written. linong looks through the stacks, disgusted and angry. he can’t understand why he can’t write anything.

 

it’s as if his brain has decided to stop working, letting linong fend for himself. groaning (he hasn’t moved from his spot for three hours), linong drags himself to bed, hoping that tomorrow will be a better day.

 

news flash: it isn’t.

 

linong lets himself wander around his apartment, leaving the door slightly ajar, in case xukun comes in. the memories of moving into this apartment pulls linong to his bed, curling up into a little ball. he scrolls through his feed on instagram, but all that reminds him is of how insignificant he is.

 

the media is still going on about the video, bringing in psychologists and people who knew them from college and “inside sources” but no one’s getting the answer to why they were fighting. to this, linong cracks a sarcastic smile, because as least if his life is going downhill, it won’t be based on truth and evidence.

 

it’ll be based on lies and reports.

 

still, his mind pounds, overwhelmed by the thoughts that slip through the hazy fog. he can’t stop seeing the comments on the youtube video, blazing like fire in his mind.

 

the worst part about it? it takes him back to those original days after yanjun left.

 

it takes him back to a pale face, and xukun meeting him; it takes him back to the single meeting that changed his whole life.three years ago, linong secured a record deal, but he could've never done it without xukun. linong relied on xukun’s sensibility. his sayings of rights and wrongs to lead him. without him, who knows where linong would be? he would still be in that small town, days after days on end without pure happiness. it wasn’t that linong would have _hated_ the store, he just wouldn’t be so happy, without his friends and fans by his side.

 

or at least, he wouldn’t _have been_ that happy….past tense.

 

the doorbell rings, and linong scrambles around, realizing his current state. he hasn't taken a shower in a few days, his eyes look like death, he feels like death, and most importantly, he isn’t in the mood for _people._

 

but the door shoves open, and xukun barges open, dragging behind a bashfully yanjun, giving linong a sense of deja vu. it had to be just about two days ago when the same situation appeared, but only this time, linong doesn’t shrivel at the site of yanjun.

 

he’s done caring about shit.

 

all he wants now is someone to stay, someone who can be like xukun _and_ yanjun, someone to complete him. but how will he be able to find someone who can or even would want to deal with his mess?

 

linong likes to think that he’s a good person.

 

so what did he do, to deserve this much sorrow? was this his donation to humanity? to be walked on and brushed away when unneeded? was the sorrow he in took sadness that wouldn’t get dispersed to others?

 

“linong...we need to fix this.” xukun says.

 

“how?” linong throws his arms up because all everyone’s been telling is that he needs to fix this, not _how_ to fix it, and he can’t see a single way to fix this.

 

like linong himself, this is unfixable.

 

he’s lost his talent of songwriting, and with that, his emotions are a mess, crumpling and unraveling at the randomest of times.

 

he sits down in his pile of papers, unbothered and ready to force himself into songwriting, even if it takes him a hour to write a line. he’s not moving until he gets a proper song down. he doesn't care if yanjun and xukun stick around; he needs to finish a song.

 

“what if we wrote a song together?” yanjun asks after twenty minutes of silence. linong’s surprised they haven’t left yet, but judging by the half-drunken cup of tea in yanjun’s hand, they won’t be leaving anytime soon.

 

xukun brightens at this idea. “yeah! you guys could write about your perspectives and together release a song.” xukun looks so hopeful, linong doesn’t want to burst his bubble, but he doesn't believe that it could actually work.

 

“okay, but do you know anything about songwriting? and who said i wanted your perspective?” 

 

somehow, slowly but surely, yanjun and xukun convince him. it takes about three days, lots of bribes, and extremes amounts of puppy faces before linong gives in. time flies by from that point on, and three months later a full song has been written over long coffee sessions inside with xukun, and talks with zhangjing and yanjun.

 

“are you ready to send this?” linong asks yanjun over the phone, his hand over the 'send’ button to his producers. “do it!” says yanjun, voice crackling over the phone, and linong clicks the button, putting his hand over his mouth. he’s done this so many times, and yet, every time he submits a new song is like the first time. his heart feels like it’s beating out of its chest, and he wants to know how the producers feel about this song. the song means more to him than he thought it would. he can’t have it be rejected, he just can’t. it means more to him than another hit record; it means clearing his name. it means everything to him.

 

luckily it does more than he expected. much more.

 

linong didn’t need _let go_ to be such a success, but now here he is, standing on a stage surrounded by adoring fans, saying the very words he never thought he would say, “please give all your love to my special guest tonight, lin yanjun!” screams erupt as he says, and yanjun comes out of the mist that shadows linong and waves to the crowd, singing the first verse, his eyes looking at linong and only him. verse two, and linong’s throat feels dry. he sings, but it’s not for the crowd this time. it’s for himself. it’s for him to be able to learn to give yanjun up.

 

all this time, linong’s been holding on for the wrong reasons. linong’s been holding on because he’s afraid that without the feelings of hurt, without the memories of yanjun, his songwriting days would be over. he’s afraid that losing yanjun would be going down the wrong past.

 

but he isn’t really losing yanjun; he’s gaining a friend, a trusted comprade. he’s only losing the bad parts: the throwing glasses against the wall and screaming at each other.

 

he’s still afraid of what this means for the future. but he knows it has to be good.

 

at this point, linong is so overwhelmed by his realizations that tears fall down his face freely, and he reaches out to the yanjun who’s still singing his verse. they join hands, walking down the stage towards the crowd. “i’m ready to let go” linong sings, and then his hand leaves yanjun, turning to face the crowd. he sings that with confidence, because he truly believes this time, that he is ready to let go. and that feeling is exhilarating to linong. he's ready for something new, something good.

 

now, the crowd has been stunned into silence and linong tries to give an encouraging smile. he already knows what he’ll see the fancams tomorrow. the tears that stream down his face are too obvious to be called sweat, and his quivering voice can’t be hidden, no matter how strong he tries to push through it.

 

one person puts up a flashlight, and all of sudden a thousand flashlights come blinking back at him. they give him light, telling linong that his fans will always be here for him, and that suddenly, linong can't sing anymore. the gratitude that linong feels is unmatched, and he can't find the words to the song.

 

but luckily, his fans know him, and they know the song so well. they all sing it for him. they sing the last few lines at linong, and it takes every bone in his body to not sink down to the floor. he doesn’t deserve these beautiful fans, the ones that stayed by his side through everything.

 

there’s a hand on his shoulder, one that lightly pushes him into a chair. linong lets yanjun, unsure about what’s about to happen. yanjun leads the audience into another song.

 

and it's the song that started this all.

 

he leads them into _你還要我怎樣_ , and linong’s actually going to start sobbing, because it’s been three years, and yet, the audience’s singing is louder than yanjun’s, who’s singing through a mic into stereos that are being blasted through to the audience. the echo back after the verses is insane, and linong is stunned. he's stunned that they still remember every single word, he's stunned that yanjun knows it too, and most importantly, he's stunned by the faces in the crowd that unitedly are there for him, silently telling him how much they love him as they sing for him.

 

he takes it all in, the lights shining onto so many faces and the tears that he can see in their eyes, the voices, strong together, and of course, yanjun leading it all, with similar tears on his face. 

 

linong has never been so happy. sure, the blue days that linong felt were horrible, but now here he is, on top of the mountain.

 

and that feeling is the best thing he has ever experienced.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'm so surprised i actually finished this chapter. honestly, it was all thanks to the kudos and comments i received on the last chapter that helped me push through this one! so i really appreciate it so much!!
> 
> i really hope you enjoyed this chapter! thanks to [tina](https://archiveofourown.org/users/bananaCULTure/pseuds/bananaCULTure) for having me scrap a terrible plot point in the middle and for also just being an awesome person to count on (i miss you!). also you got an ao3 ahhhhh
> 
> also, thank you [lyn](https://archiveofourown.org/users/byeongkwan) for inspiring me with your work and being such a great friend (even though you so live far away <3)
> 
>  
> 
> some final notes, please go check you [hate u love u by olivia o'brien]() because it's what inspired this whole story, 你還要我怎樣 by joker xue because it's one of the most beautiful songs i've ever heard; the first time i heard it i cried, because the emotions and lyrics are something i can relate to very much! also the duet linong and yanjun sing, called "let go" is not a real song, but on the basis of bts's let go. i just imagined it to be a much slower ballad type!
> 
> thank you again for reading, i really do appreciate it!! this is my first completed work on ao3 <3


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